mom_guilt

So I read a status post from a friend on facebook which gave me the idea for this blog. In a gist it basicly was a guilt post about regreting the past and wanting to hide from it. Now I don't know about everyone else but I can relate to this in many ways. I was no saint in my past years and as I become older and a better wife and mother the larger my guilt becomes about who I was. Even tho its not who I am now I feel like I should have never been that person in the first place. If I knew then what I know now has never rang more true for me. Whats important, whats not, how to live, how to treat others, has never been more clear and the clearer it becomes the more guilt that piles up on my shoulders. I feel this need to stand on something high (not a mountain top none around me.. no soap box either) maybe my freshly cleaned countertop, invite all my friends and family husband and children and confess all my sins take a deep breath and say ahhh there now ya kno im no saint and your disappointment in me can now surface! Now in reality who cares about the time you danced on this drank that or made bad decisions in hobbies and friends (my confessions would be more detailed) well I care I care that I was ever so stupid to think that what matter was what others thought or let someone influence my moral core to the pt of no take backs! to be the stupidest saying "young and dumb". Why did I have to be the one to say I was young and dumb I swear I thought I was mature and smart lol. I have made some decisions that will haunt me forever thats just the fact. Not in my marriage but even as a mother with my oldest when he was younger ( I was 19 when I had him) there were nights I could have stayed home but decided to go out times I bought cheaper diapers so I would have money for myself. now maybe to some it sounds stupid to even be blogging about this but those are things I think about. Guilt is a daily thing not only for my past choices but my current am I always making the best decisions for me and my family and am I giving enough quality time to both my children. Well I can answer no I am not I don't think I will even feel like an awesome mother and wife. I try and strive clean and scrub cook and hug play and protect but I don't know if I will ever be able to not have some kind of guilt in not being or doing enough. Now do I think I would have this guilt if I wasn't a wife and mother? NO. I think I would say you live you learn and it made me who I am. But honestly I think I could have become me without the things I regret I think I would still be who I am over all because my regrets are not things that molded me they are dumb selfish decisions useless to my life just a memory not worth having. As far as marriage I guess I have the guilt feeling because of who I was it kinda makes you damaged goods. That guilt its the most annoying. So I guess when my kids are teenagers or young adults I will say the same thing my parents said... all parents say "what you do today will effect the rest of your life" and  "I thought I knew it all too" and "with age really does come widsom" and like thier mother I doubt they believe me :)