mom_guilt

So I read a status post from a friend on facebook which gave me the idea for this blog. In a gist it basicly was a guilt post about regreting the past and wanting to hide from it. Now I don't know about everyone else but I can relate to this in many ways. I was no saint in my past years and as I become older and a better wife and mother the larger my guilt becomes about who I was. Even tho its not who I am now I feel like I should have never been that person in the first place. If I knew then what I know now has never rang more true for me. Whats important, whats not, how to live, how to treat others, has never been more clear and the clearer it becomes the more guilt that piles up on my shoulders. I feel this need to stand on something high (not a mountain top none around me.. no soap box either) maybe my freshly cleaned countertop, invite all my friends and family husband and children and confess all my sins take a deep breath and say ahhh there now ya kno im no saint and your disappointment in me can now surface! Now in reality who cares about the time you danced on this drank that or made bad decisions in hobbies and friends (my confessions would be more detailed) well I care I care that I was ever so stupid to think that what matter was what others thought or let someone influence my moral core to the pt of no take backs! to be the stupidest saying "young and dumb". Why did I have to be the one to say I was young and dumb I swear I thought I was mature and smart lol. I have made some decisions that will haunt me forever thats just the fact. Not in my marriage but even as a mother with my oldest when he was younger ( I was 19 when I had him) there were nights I could have stayed home but decided to go out times I bought cheaper diapers so I would have money for myself. now maybe to some it sounds stupid to even be blogging about this but those are things I think about. Guilt is a daily thing not only for my past choices but my current am I always making the best decisions for me and my family and am I giving enough quality time to both my children. Well I can answer no I am not I don't think I will even feel like an awesome mother and wife. I try and strive clean and scrub cook and hug play and protect but I don't know if I will ever be able to not have some kind of guilt in not being or doing enough. Now do I think I would have this guilt if I wasn't a wife and mother? NO. I think I would say you live you learn and it made me who I am. But honestly I think I could have become me without the things I regret I think I would still be who I am over all because my regrets are not things that molded me they are dumb selfish decisions useless to my life just a memory not worth having. As far as marriage I guess I have the guilt feeling because of who I was it kinda makes you damaged goods. That guilt its the most annoying. So I guess when my kids are teenagers or young adults I will say the same thing my parents said... all parents say "what you do today will effect the rest of your life" and  "I thought I knew it all too" and "with age really does come widsom" and like thier mother I doubt they believe me :)

decisions

So here I am last time I posted I was in a situation with my son's teachers. its been less than a week and now I am wondering if I am even going to be in this country a month from now! crazy how crazy.  I have been wrestling for months with the decision of my husband re-enlisting into the Army. There are many pros and cons either way. Just a simple list for ya security benifits all the basics cons would be leaving my family when we have to relocate or deployment. A part of me would love to have that adventure being from a small town where almost no one leaves and almost all come back it would be nice to see something outside of the Carolinas. It would only be for about two years- if when we come to this cross roads then we decide to wrap it up and head home. Then the other side hurts physically when I truely picture moving so far away it would take planes or days to come home to my family the ones who have always been there unconditionally. Then you add the fact that you are making choices not only for yourself but two little people. FEAR I think thats the biggest hurdle I feel excited at pts thru out these days I feel sadness I feel worry for my Dad, but the overcoming emotion would be fear.  I don't know this is the big cloud until some decision any decision is made. Then the fear of making the wrong one.

First blog = Introduction

Okay so to begin :) My name is Kristina and I am 25 years old. I am from North Carolina and currently am living outside of an Army base with my husband Brandon and two boys Kameran who is five and Jackson who is one. I have a close relationship with my family and a one hand count group of friends. I am strong willed, opinionated but in my eyes have a nac for seeing things for what they are, but as we all know thats probably not the case.
 I am sure the reasons behind me starting this blog are not too different from others who have came before me. I love to write always have I like to give advice and get it. Pretty simple. oo and let me give a warning I type fast commit errors and don't really pay enough attention to fix them its not that I can't spell I am just in the moment lol so be prepared for some typos :) So now I will try to give an overview of topics that I vent on or need advice on or might cover altho who knows whats coming. MOTHERHOOD that will probably be the basis for most of my rants being a stay at home mom in perticular. being a WIFE hence the title haha. I know that I will vent about my opinions of the human race in general but those will be the subject most of those blogs fall under... at least I think.